To be known

Several weeks ago, I went to a women's event at my church. I hadn't 'registered', and I wasn't "supposed" to  be there. To be honest, initially I was only going if a friend of mine was coming down from another city, about 45 minutes away. It had been a long while since we had reunited, and it felt like a good venue to catch up.

But that was hardly the outcome of my night.

My friend couldn't make it, so I settled with the fact I would be going alone. I came in the doors just as the clock turned to 7:00. The event just started and door prizes were the first to happen. I sat in the very back of the room, hoping to see familiar faces or at least some friendly eyes. Neither occurred. Still, I sat and tried to engage.

Finally, worship began and the room filled with honor through song to the Lord. I literally had to tell myself at one point to just, "let go, and meet with Jesus." I am sure we all go through those times, but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty. It was partly trying to shrug off the duties and responsibilities of the day, part guilt for not being at home with my family, and part distraction as I hoped I'd see a friend or at least acquaintance.

I found myself occasionally still gazing around the room. I tested how far my eye sight could take me until I recognized someone... anyone... just so I could at least say I left the room that night having seen "so and so" when my husband would ask. Nothing.

It was then I started examining my heart and where my thoughts were taking me. What was I here for? What was I really here for? That's when I heard Him speak to my heart. And even in that moment I felt relieved and amazed that I could distinguish his voice above my own.

The thought that crossed my mind right before he whispered to me was this... "I am in this sea of women looking for someone I know, and I know no one." Gently he said, "You know me. I am right here."

{Scribbling the whisper from God on an old grocery list crumpled in my purse.}

It broke me.

Then, right there in worship we started to sing this song and the lyrics resonated with my heart as my cheeks were glazed with tears.





"...There is no power in hell or any who can stand before the power and the presence of the Great I AM. Who is worthy? None beside Thee. God Almighty. Great I Am...."

I was standing in the presence of God Almighty, yet all I could think about was myself. Even still, he met with me. He wooed me unto himself. He spoke to me despite all of the voices of doubt, worry, and anxiety I had floating around in my head.

I left that evening pondering the precious love the Father has for us and how he meets us in times we feel so unworthy. But, I also left pondering how we as humankind have the innate desire to simply be known.

How many times have we walked into a room hoping to recognize another, or be recognized? Actually,  I am not even talking about that in a "hey, I know that lady" kind of way, or "oh look, there's Susie!" But I mean, really known. I'm talking about true friendship. Relationship. The act of knowing and being known. The beautiful mess of vulnerability, openness, raw conversations, real responses, and loving despite it all.

I've been pondering real friendship as I examine where I am in life and where I want to be. Of course, this lead me to thinking about God.

How deeply did he want TO BE KNOWN that night? Every night? Every day? I am not talking today about how God knows us. Of course he knows us. He made us. He delights in us. He loves us despite it all. But what about us? What about me? Do I really know the heart of God? Am I engaging in deep real conversations and am I willing to hear and accept his real responses?

Needless to say, the evening I was not expecting... the evening I was not 'signing up for' literally or figuratively has left me with much to consider and much to take to heart.